Sacrificing Family on the Altar of Ministry?

Question:

I was wondering if you could speak a little to balancing the stewardship of your children and not harboring bitterness in their hearts with sacrifice for the Lord and being gone a lot?

Speaker:

That’s a great question. And it reveals the idolatry, the narcissistic idolatry of men in the ministry. How many times have we heard, “I had to sacrifice so much for my family to do God’s will”? If you’ve ever said that, you really need to go before the Lord and repent because He’s going to call you on the carpet. What you’ve done is accused Him.

In Romans chapter 12, it describes the will of God as good, acceptable, and perfect. Often, we try to find nuanced definitions for each of those terms. It’s like when the Lord says, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.” People try to break down those things, but in Hebrew, it’s just piling one term upon another, meaning: love God with everything you are.

So these terms, good, acceptable, and perfect, are nuanced but also influence each other. Together, they describe the will of God as perfect. What does that mean? In fulfilling the will of God in one area of my life, there’s never a need to violate the will of God in another area.

Let me give you an illustration: there’s a young girl who’s Christian but hasn’t been involved much in evangelism. Suddenly, she meets a guy who is lost but looks like Brad Pitt, and immediately she becomes a “flaming evangelist,” saying, “I want to date this guy to win him to Christ.” She’s trying to fulfill God’s will by breaking God’s will. We need to turn that back on ourselves, as ministers and men. Do I want to do the will of God, or do I want to grow a ministry?

Personal Example:

I thought I’d be a single missionary forever. I wanted to be the Apostle Paul of the Andes. I read too many missionary biographies. If I wanted to work 18 hours a day, knock myself out. Commands related to being a husband were dead to me since I was single. But when I married, those commands came alive, and obedience requires time.

If I said, “I don’t have time for my wife,” what would I be saying? That I love myself more than my wife, and more than the Lord. It’s about being obedient, not neglecting God’s other commands. The ministry doesn’t need me as much as I think it does.

When my daughter was born, all those commandments that were dead to my wife and me about raising children came alive. Now, I wasn’t going to go into the jungle as much. Is my wife no longer a superhero woman of God because of this? No, because being a godly man or woman is about obedience in whatever God puts before us.

There are men who did extraordinary things in ministry but won’t be highly promoted in heaven because it’s not about doing extraordinary things—it’s about being obedient. You can’t neglect your children, whom God gave you, to look good in ministry.

Advice to Pastors:

Teach this to your church. Sometimes churches will ask me, “We’re looking for a pastor. Any advice?” I’ll ask them, “How many days a week do you want him to work? How many hours? How many hours do you want him studying the Bible and preparing sermons that affect the eternal destiny of your children? How much time do you want him interceding for your family?”

Most people haven’t been taught to think that way. They may say, “Five or six days, ten hours a day, three to four hours of Bible study, an hour of prayer.” But when members don’t know what the pastor should be doing, they have unrealistic expectations. The principal task of the pastor is the proclamation of the Word—whether in the pulpit, counseling, or meetings. The pastor should be the one bringing biblical principles into every discussion.

A Simpleton’s Perspective:

I often ask, “Have you gone through the Bible from Genesis to Revelation and pulled out every command and description for a pastor?” Many have not. But wouldn’t it be wise to do so? You’re going to stand before God one day.

You must guide your life by what you’ve been commanded to do. It’s the same way with being a husband, learning from Adam to Christ and how He deals with His bride. Compile all those commands and see what you’re supposed to do. It’s simple but so few actually do it.

I’m doing that now with regard to an evangelist. It’s amazing when you see a command you’re not following or a virtue you’re weak in. You should also be able to show your church what Scripture says a pastor is supposed to be responsible for.

Final Thoughts:

I wanted to drop these thoughts off, and I’m sorry for being so brash and quick, but I’ve got to run. God bless you.