The Truth About Physical Attraction in Choosing a Spouse

Let’s talk about physical attraction as it relates to marriage. The Apostle John writes in 1 John 2:15:

“Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If anyone loves this world, the love of the Father is not in them.”

That’s a pretty serious charge in Scripture. And John continues:

“For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—are not of the Father but are of this world.”

I start here because, let’s face it—we live in a very sensuous and sexified culture. And you and I, as Christians, are people of this culture. A culture that very much exalts, promotes, and appeals to the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes—the very things God calls us, as Christians, to renounce, not love.

And yet, it’s something that is very difficult to escape as Christians because we are constantly being confronted by it—on the television, the movie screen, our phones, billboards, at the checkout, in the public square. You name it—it’s in your face.

This underscores the need for Christians to know and be in God’s Word. Because if God’s Word is not shaping your mind when it comes to criteria for seeking a spouse, this pornographic culture is shaping your mind—whether you think so or not.

And I think Christians can err on both sides of this subject of physical attraction.

1. You’ve got Christians whose minds are far too shaped and captivated by this culture, which solely focuses on the outward person—giving the external looks of an individual way too much priority in the equation of selecting a spouse.

2. Yet on the flip side, some serious-minded Christians tend to completely disregard physical attraction as having any factor in the equation of choosing a spouse—simply because they perceive it as necessarily carnal or unspiritual.

So let me begin by addressing that last group. I would point out to such Christians that the Bible is not shy or apologetic about the subject of beauty—yes, even in the physical realm.

What do we discover in the very first book of our Bibles? We find the Holy Spirit pointing out the beauty of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob’s wives:

• It says the Egyptians saw that Sarah was very beautiful.
• It says Rebekah was very attractive in appearance.
• It says of Rachel that she was beautiful in form and appearance.

But not just the women. We are told the same thing about Joseph—that he was handsome in form and appearance, so much so that Potiphar’s lust-filled wife could not keep her eyes or her mind off him. That wasn’t Joseph’s fault.

We are told that David was ruddy, had beautiful eyes, and was handsome. We are told that Esther had a beautiful figure and was lovely to look at.

You know, it is possible to acknowledge beauty and it not be sin or even turn into sin. In fact, God expects what He makes beautiful to be acknowledged as such—and it not be a sinful thing.

The Bible does not present these realities as something negative about these individuals. In fact, it seems to be the opposite. It reads as if God was blessing the Patriarchs with beautiful wives. Their beauty was an expression of God’s favor upon those men—not a curse.

And so, I think it’s important to start with that—beauty is God-designed. God created beauty, and He created a spectrum of things beautiful and things ugly to provide a contrast—a scale—so that we might not only understand but appreciate that which is beautiful. Because that which is beautiful best describes the Living God.

Isaiah 33:17 – Your eyes will behold the King in His beauty.
Psalm 27:4 – One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life—why? To gaze upon the beauty of the LORD.
Psalm 50:2 – Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God shines forth.

Beauty is a desirable thing because God is the ultimate expression of beauty. In fact, He is the perfect expression and display of beauty.

However, there is a flipside to beauty, isn’t there?

Scripture counters such a blessing with the vain and cursed reality of beauty. Human physical beauty can also be a snare.

This is why we have verses in the Bible like:

Proverbs 11:22 – Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.

Meaning, a woman might look attractive, but if she lacks discretion, makes foolish decisions, and exhibits godless behavior—what good is physical beauty? It’s completely worthless. Solomon likens the value of such beauty to the value of putting a nice shiny gold ring into a pig’s snout. It does nothing to enhance the pig’s value—it’s still a pig at the end of the day, no matter how much you dress it up.

We also have:

Proverbs 31:30 – Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Vain means empty. And its emptiness has to do with its superficial nature. Beauty is only skin deep—at least physical beauty, right? It has no bearing on one’s personality or character—the most important and lasting part of a person.

You can be the most beautiful person in the world—physically—yet be the most ugly person in how you interact with others, treat others, and live out your life before God.

Scripture gives us examples of people who married based on physical looks—and those marriages were disasters.

• Samson—his first wife and then Delilah were his downfall.
• Ahab—he married Jezebel, and it certainly had nothing to do with her character, as she was one of the most wicked women in the Bible.

You see, kings and men in high positions of authority had the most beautiful women in the land. That was certainly the case with Potiphar. But she was a horrible wife—controlled by lust. Do you think Joseph was the only man she was calling into the bedroom?

And here’s the most obvious reality that tends to get lost in physical beauty:

It’s temporary. Just like flowers of the field, it perishes. It fades over time. That bride does not look the same 30–40 years down the road.

And what happens if you marry the beauty queen, go on your honeymoon, get into a car accident, and her face and body are permanently damaged?

What are you left with then—if the greatest drawing card was her physical beauty?

Yet, if she is a woman of substance—a God-fearing, Christ-loving woman—then it won’t matter what happens to her face or her body, because your love for her is rooted in what she displays of Christ in her life.

However, if your sole commitment to her was based on how she looks, what are you left with?

Listen to what God regards as most beautiful.

Peter, writing to women, says:

Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious! (1 Peter 3:4)

You see, the beauty God regards and highly esteems is inward and imperishable. It has to do with the spirit of a person—not their outward shell.

Therefore, as Christians, that’s the kind of beauty we should most treasure, value, and look for in a prospective spouse—a man or woman whose words, attitudes, and conduct make them truly beautiful.

Those things may not be as eye-catching as one’s face, makeup, hairstyle, or clothing—but they are far more precious and beautiful in the sight of God!

Unlike worldly beauty, godly beauty is more concerned with how to please God and live for Him. From God’s vantage point, a beautiful woman is a godly woman.

What are we told about Jesus?

Who happens to be the most beautiful being in the universe?

The great and majestic God of the universe amazingly comes to us in human form.

Wow—what’s that going to look like?

He’s going to be a perfect 10, right?!

Isaiah says:

He had no form or majesty that we should look at Him, and no beauty that we should desire Him. (Isaiah 53:2)

There was nothing about His physical appearance that drew people to Him.

But oh, how beautiful was His character and the manner in which He lived His life—unmatched.

Jesus is the essence of beauty.

Okay, so having said all of that—what are we to make of it?

1. There Is Nothing Wrong with Physical Attraction

In fact, that’s something God has woven into the fabric of our being. There is a natural chemistry that couples typically have toward one another—whether that’s driven by appearance, personality, or a combination of the two.

Why did Jacob desire to marry Rachel? Because she was beautiful in his eyes.

That’s not a bad thing in and of itself.

2. The Danger of Being Merely Drawn by Physical Attraction

The danger in merely being drawn to someone by physical attraction is that attraction can undermine your ability to discern the most important qualities about that person—which are inward.

A preoccupation with the outward tends to cloud our vision and insight into everything that lies beneath the surface—the very things that are most important to God.

3. The Chief Requirement for Christians in Marriage

What does Scripture set forth as the chief requirement for Christians when it comes to marriage?

That they marry in the Lord.

That’s it! That’s the priority.

Is this person a Christian? Not because they say so—but do they demonstrate it in their life?

• Do they love Christ?
• Have they counted everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus as their Lord?

You want to make that the main thing. Because that is what is most beautiful in the sight of God.

4. What Value Does Scripture Place on Beauty?

Just ask yourself: What kind of value does Scripture place on beauty?

It highly values it—but that high value is found in God Himself, not in man.

Like I said, beauty exists as an expression of a beautiful Creator. He is the essence of it.

And we learn beauty in our human experience to set the stage for being blown away by God’s beauty—because nothing on this earth compares to it.